


Toilet Paper

by catpop12343



Series: #IneffableQuarantInk Challenge! [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crowley Steals Toilet Paper (Good Omens), Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Gen, Grocery Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24425851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catpop12343/pseuds/catpop12343
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: #IneffableQuarantInk Challenge! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687975
Kudos: 12





	Toilet Paper

  
  


Today has been, by all accounts, bad. First off, it’s raining (no real surprise, there, this is England, after all). That normally isn’t a problem, but then you’re running low on food in the middle of quarantine it gets quite annoying. Secondly, Jack’s been hoping to stay home _all day_. But with Charlie pleading to go shopping with her family, he didn’t have much of a choice. Third, one _particular_ asshat thought it was a good idea to call Aziraphale a _pansy!_ Like, what the hell is wrong with some people?

Anyway, by the time the family settles down for lunch, Jack is completely  _ done  _ with everything. Annoyed, tired, and extremely bored, he refuses to acknowledge his family’s attempt at talking to him, instead keeping his nose buried in  _ Paradise Lost _ .

Five minutes into their meal, Crowley suddenly bursts into a fit of laughter.

“Dearest, what’s so funny?” Asks Aziraphale.

“Do-do you remember that guy from the supermarket?”

“Umm, yes?”

Crowley suppressed another giggle. “Oh, you’re going to love this!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_EARLIER THAT DAY..._ **

Aziraphale and Crowley step into the supermarket with their children, and turn their attention to the list once more.

_ “Whole milk, _

_ Chocolate biscuits, _

_ Ginger ale, _

_ Eggs, _

_ Wheat bread, _

_ Toilet paper.” _

One by one, they scratch off the items on the list. Of course, Charlie had grabbed a box of ice lollies, and tried to sneak it into the cart, but her adoptive brother caught her.

“Hey! We have those at home,” he says. Jack holds out his hand, and with a sigh, Charlie hands it to him. He brings the box back to the freezer, before half-sprinting back to his family.

“Why can’t I have more ice lollies?” Charlie asks.

“We have some at home, love,” Crowley replies.

“But I want  _ MORE _ !” the toddler whines, her pout hidden by the polka-dotted mask covering her face.

Jack rolls his eyes, or rather, his entire head; his hair just _ keeps getting  _ in his face and he can’t brush it away without touching his face! And the mask he’s wearing keeps digging into his ears! Whose idea was it to make these so bloody uncomfortable?!

When they finally reach the aisle where the toilet paper should be, it’s completely empty. Not a single shelf was spared. With varying degrees of annoyance and disappointment, Crowley leads his family to the cashier. “It’s, alright, we’ll go to the next store.”

Jack nearly  _ groans. _ His hopes of being home before lunch thoroughly dashed. “Fucking hoarders,” he mutters.

Apparently, the angel had heard him, as no sooner are the words out of his mouth, Aziraphale gently chastises him, “Now Jack, we don’t know if this was all one person; others need to do their shopping, too, after all.”

The teenager merely huffs, then  _ actually _ groans when he spots a man with greasy black hair wearing a grey tweed jacket, a white shirt, and jeans, pushing a cart with  _ literal dozens _ of stacks of toilet paper. “Yeah, tell that to  _ fucking Smaug _ over there!” he says bitterly. “And he doesn’t even have a blood mask on!”

“Oh, good lord!” Aziraphale gasps.

As the four of them approach the cashier, the man turns to look at them. “What do you want?” he grunts.

“Well, my good man, you appear to have purchased  _ all  _ of the toilet paper. Don’t you know that—” the angel begins, but is quickly interrupted.

“Mind your own fucking buisness, you bloody pansy!” he shouts. “I need  _ all of this! _ ”

And with a grunt, the man is gone.

“I’m so sorry, he’s been at this for nearly a  _ month _ now. And when we don’t have any toilet paper, he blames the other customers!” the freckled woman sputters.

“It isn’t your fault, dear girl. We never said it was,” Aziraphale soothes.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jack catches his demonic parent grinning (don’t ask how he can tell, just roll with it). He secretly wonders what Crowley’s planning, but doesn’t linger on it for too long. He just wants to go back to the cottage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crowley cackles for half a minute, before finding his composure. “When we passed his car on our way back to the Bentley, I miracled his stash to a retirement home down the road!” 

Aziraphale let out a faux-scandalized gasp. Charlie starts giggling. And Jack grins. Maybe today wasn’t so bad, after all.


End file.
